


Change of Pace

by CLeighWrites



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied Past Jared Padalecki/Reader, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, past self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 06:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17503736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CLeighWrites/pseuds/CLeighWrites
Summary: You are having some dark thoughts after an accident in the kitchen and you call your long time friend, Jared, to help you get through it and he comes up with a plan that could help you out





	Change of Pace

**Author's Note:**

> _This one is very personal. I read a story where Jared accidentally commits suicide after self harming and I lost it a little bit. I needed him to be OK, so I wrote this. I have a history of carving, and almost this exact situation has come up for me before, I only wish I had someone like Jared to talk to about it. Just goes to show that warnings are not to be taken lightly, and even if you no longer have an issue with something (I haven't carved in over 10 years), that doesn't mean that a story can't bring all those old feelings back. If it's received well, this could have another part or two..._  
>  ** _Please let me know if I need to tag something else to this fic_**  
>  If you experience feelings like this just remember that there are people out there who you can talk to.   
> **National Suicide Prevention Hotline** : 1 (800) 273-8255 (USA), **[List for International Hotlines](http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines)** , **Random Acts Crisis Support Network** [information](https://www.randomacts.org/crisis-support-network/)

It took you tapping the ‘Call’ button twice before the call connected. Your fingers were shaking and you smiled to prepare yourself for when he answered. 

“Hey, Y/N/N, what’s up?” He was always so happy these days, like a ray of fucking sunshine.

You grit your teeth and smiled harder, “Hey Jare!” Your voice cracked when you said his name and the damn broke. 

Unable to hold it in any longer, you let the sobs rake your body, your chest feeling both relieved and more compressed all at the same time. You heard him excuse himself from whoever he must have been with. Clenching the phone to your chest you tried to regulate your breathing, but knowing that you had just ruined the good time he must have been having made you cry even harder. 

You hated to be such a burden on your longtime friend, but your usual coping mechanisms weren’t working and you just needed to talk to someone who would understand. Since high school Jared had been the one person you could unload on who wouldn’t judge you or make you feel like a drama queen. Most likely because he could understand you all too well, having his own demons to battle. 

“Hey sweetheart,” his voice dropped to his soothing tone. “Y/N, what’s going on?” He added when you didn’t respond. 

“Oh, you know,” you choked out, “same ole, same ole.” You laughed without humor.

“Y/N.” His voice wasn’t chastising, but it felt like it was.

“I just...needed to hear your voice,” your breathing was coming easier now and you were almost able to take in a breath without it hitching, almost.

“That’s OK, you can call me any time,” he paused, it had been a long time since you had called him, generally you spoke through text, but it wasn’t awkward. “What would you like to talk about?”

“How are Gen and the kids?”

“They’re good, I think Gen gets a little tired sometimes, but she does so great taking care of everything. The boys are both in school, doing great; and Odette, she’s growing up so fast, too fast.” You could hear the tiniest bit of regret in his voice. It must kill him spending so much time away from his family, especially with three young children.

“I can imagine,” truth is you could only imagine. 

Jared had everything you didn’t, family, a career, a support team. You didn’t hate him for it, but you would be lying to him and yourself if you didn’t admit that you were jealous.

“So, what have you been up to?”

“Work, catching up on bills, watching you on TV...work.” He chuckled a little at that, but you could still hear the tension in his voice. “I cut my hand making dinner tonight.” He said nothing. “It wasn’t on purpose. I was slicing up some meat and my hand jerked and I cut my hand...It wasn’t even very deep, but it was enough. It gave me that same feeling I always got. You would be proud of me though.”

He was still silent on the other end of the line; knowing that the real reason you called was to have someone to tell what happened to, how it made you feel, without jumping to conclusions. 

“I wanted to keep going, maybe make it deeper or longer or just push the knife back into it and leave it there for a little while, feel the burn. But I didn’t.” You were still looking at the knife, laying on the cutting board next to your abandoned dinner. “I cleaned it with alcohol, and I’m letting it dry out now before I put on some antibiotic and wrap it up,” the tears started to fall again now, “But Jare, the knife is still sitting right there. And all I want to do is pick it back up and slice myself open with it. And I’m not even sad or mad about anything, I really just miss the feeling of it.” 

It had been a hard habit to kick, carving had become a coping mechanism for you when the world got to be too much. The feel of something sharp cutting into you, the warmth of your blood as it trickled out, had been a way to connect and numb the pain that you were feeling within; a way to stem the tide raging within your mind, a feeling Jared was also familiar with.

“I know, Y/N. And you did so good, I am so proud of you,” his voice was thick and you could hear all the emotion in it; just like all of his Always Keep Fighting videos he’d posted. 

“I’m so sorry Jared, I know how busy you are, and this is the last thing you need with everything else you’ve got going on…and you’ve got your own issues to deal with, and I’m just-”

“Y/N/N, no. It’s fine, I’m fine. I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist anyways, so feel free to share whatever you need to with me, I can take it. You need to talk to someone, I’m here for you; whatever you need.”

You smiled to yourself, a genuine smile. It would never cease to amaze you how completely selfless Jared was, how dependable and compassionate he was; and not just with his close friends and family, he was that way with everyone. Your mama had always said that Jared never met a stranger, it took you a while to understand what that actually meant, but it was true.

Once you had calmed down enough you told him how work was, how much you hated your job, but your coworkers were cool and it was decent pay, not great, but you could sort of get by. You told him about how you’d started going out some weekends with a girl from work, whenever you were invited because you didn’t want to assume or invite yourself along. He asked how things were between you and your manager since there had been a bit of a conflict the last time you had spoken, and you assured him that everything had sorted itself out and that you had actually been hanging out some outside of work as well. 

After all the basics you went in to describing how stagnant you felt. Stuck in a job you had settled for, not doing anything you had gone to school for, unable to leave until you found something that would pay the same, or more, starting off; which is unheard of. You told him of how desperately you wanted to move, start over somewhere fresh; how your psychologist, who was not a therapist and hardly ever heard a word you said, was giving up on trying to fit you with a medication that would help you without making you basically blind or on the brink of a heart attack or ravenous. You tried to stay away from how tight money really was because the last thing you wanted to do was lie and tell him “It’s not that bad,” when he offered to help you out, because he would. 

He listened to you rant, laughed when you made snide comments or jokes, and offered commentary when needed. You could breathe steadily and the tenseness in his voice was gone by the end of the conversation. You had thrown the knife into the sink to be washed and put away what you were fixing for diner and ate a cold bowl of cereal instead. Jared had made fun of you, knowing that you would pour a whole bowl of milk and keep refilling the cereal until the milk was gone, instead of the other way around; you called it the never ending bowl of cereal, and since you never had to add more milk, it still only counted as one bowl. 

Once you were both finished eating and baring your soul to him, you started to wrap up the phone call, you had already kept him away for over an hour. You wondered how much money that broke down to for him; how much did he get paid per episode, and what exactly might that break down to in hours, and how many hours had you had to drag him away from his life to help save you from yourself?

Apparently you had been quiet for a little too long, “Hey. I’ve got an idea!”

“Oh, really? Is it like your last idea? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure your producers would prefer to not have to write in another injury to the show!”

He laughed, a full, hearty laugh, “No, I’m serious. Why don’t you come stay with us for a while? I know Gen would love some company, and more hands on deck with the kids is never a bad thing. It’ll be fun, a chance for you to clear your head.”

“What about my job Jare? They’re not just going to let me have time off like that because the great Jared Padalecki says so.”

“Quit.”

“What about anything that I just told you makes that sound like a good idea?”

“I can get you something here. Oh, Jensen and Dani just opened up the brewery, I’m sure you could get on there. They’re much busier than they had anticipated, but I told him they would be.”

“Jared, I’m not going to move to Austin and mooch off of you and your friends.”

“It’s not mooching. It’s new job opportunities and meeting new, more awesome people. It’s a change of pace, which is what you said you wanted, but without the overhead of actually having to move somewhere new-new.”

“‘New-new’?” you laughed.

“It was in a movie. Whatever, are you in? If so, I’m going to go talk to Gen right now and get things sorted for you here until we can get you a place. Or I could just use you for child labor and you can live in my pool house! Yeah, new plan. You’ll be my Nanny, how’s your yankee accent?”

In your best Fran Drescher, “Oh Mr. Padalecki!” Followed by a very insulting imitation of her laugh; but it had Jared rolling.

“You’re hired! When can you start?”

“Are you being serious Jared?” All humor gone, you were refusing to let hope kindle in your mind if he was just messing around.

“Of course I am Y/N/N. It would be awesome to have you here. And what was your degree in? Like, Liberal Arts something, you can use that for anything. I’m sure Gen and Dani would be more than happy to divvy up some stuff for you to do, and you’re always so great with the kids when you visit. Seriously, you got any better offers?”

You could never resist him when he went all super-smarty-pants-logic-man on you, “You know I don’t. If you’re sure, I will put my two weeks notice in tomorrow.”

“Alright!” 

“And I expect the biggest, most-muscly-mover-men here to help me pack up all my shit too. Like really good looking ones.”

“I’ll put Gen on it, she won’t let you down.” 

“Are you sure she’s gonna be cool with this? Are you actually going to be cool with this? I mean, she knows about me; about...us? Right?”

“That was a long time ago Y/N. She knows everything that I went through before getting Gilmore Girls, and this show, before I met her. I didn’t go into specifics, and your life is your life. She knows that we were close in school and that neither one of us were very good, mental health wise. I think being around people who are already accustomed to that sort of thing can help you feel more comfortable being you; and that’s really what you need right now.”

“But what about the boys? And Odette now too?”

“I have every confidence in you. You would never do anything to endanger or harm my children in any way. That includes whatever you might do to yourself when you’re with them. I have faith in you, I just wish you could see it to.”

“I can sometimes...you know, I just didn’t want there to be any unnecessary drama with me being there like that; but if you think everyone will be fine with it, then I’ll do it, I’ll put in my two weeks tomorrow and say ‘Fuck all’ to Y/C/L, and ‘Hello’ to Austin!” It still amazes you how easily he could talk you into just about anything.

“Alright, I’ll talk it all out with Gen and we’ll get everything sorted; packers, movers, plane tickets, a car service in case Gen needs to be someplace else when your plane comes in.”

“Wow, Jared, that’s a lot of stuff, I really can’t afford all that. I can pack it all up myself and just get a Uhaul truck.”

“Absolutely not, I’m helping you to get rid of some of your stress, not cause more of it. I’m sure while you’re here you’ll be able to pay me back in spades. Really, I’m not worried about it.”

“What would I do without you Jared?”

“Be bored as Hell. You good?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Thank you.”

“Any time. We’ll keep in touch. Night.”

“Good night Jare, sweet dreams.”

“Sleep sweet, Y/N/N.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Don't be shy, let me know what you think!


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